Boundaries with Compassion

Let’s talk about boundaries. So many of the individuals in my community express frustration or feelings of inadequacy when it comes to their personal boundaries. After having many conversations about this topic there is one belief that I hold strongly about our relationship with personal boundary setting: we need more compassion in our conversations about setting boundaries with ourselves. Existence is full of moments when we must set boundaries for ourselves and it is a favorite topic in the therapy room for many clients. Boundary setting will look different for different people but the gist is typically similar. We all try to impose structure on our relationships. Whether it be interpersonal relationships or ones with food, activity, thought patterns or hobbies. We all have things in our lives that we need to either restrict our access to, or nudge ourselves a little bit to increase our use of. What I find distasteful is the lack of compassion we have for ourselves when we set and attempt to uphold those boundaries.

Setting Compassionate Boundaries

Many of us have a few people in our lives who have amazing discipline. They can make a plan and stick to it 100%. However, for most of us, upholding boundaries looks like this: make a plan and decide to commit; have an off day and think “maybe I will start tomorrow”; two weeks go by and you hold strong but a great day seems to deserve celebration and a break from this commitment. You continue on this pattern of upholding your boundaries most of the time, but occasionally flowing in and out of the regimen. 

Now, before continuing on, take a moment to think about a commitment you have made for yourself recently that you did not follow to the letter. Try to recall what your thoughts towards yourself were in the moment that you acted in contrast with your commitment. Were you celebrating yourself for being flexible? Were you appreciating your ability to listen and attune to your body's needs at the moment? Were you able to sit in joy of your chosen action knowing that your goals are bigger than each individual step and each moment? If your thoughts were along those lines, then congratulations! You are a master of self respect and compassion!

Finding the Middle Ground

For those of you who remember your reactions trending more towards judgement or negativity, you are not alone, nor are you in the minority. For too long, health and wellness culture has taught us that boundary setting is all or nothing. Fad diets gave us the term “cheat meal” to allow us space for flexibility in our eating choices.” Who ever wants to think about something they are doing for their body as cheating!? Too often I speak with clients who speak as if all their progress has been derailed because they said they were not going to spend more time with that one friend and then they got together over the weekend. Another client might try to cut out screens for the last half hour before bed but end up falling asleep to a show on the couch. For most of us, this kind of degrading self-talk can be damaging to our quality of life. For those with anxiety, depression and low self-esteem this type of rhetoric can be the difference between choosing whether or not to get out of bed the next morning.

As a community that is focused on improving both human happiness as a whole and “an individual’s quality of life”, it is our responsibility to model compassion for ourselves in the realm of our everyday boundary setting. So, how do we do that? How do you become that unicorn who thinks to themselves: “I am flexible” and “I am comfortable with my choices today, or even the one who says “I am proud to adapt to my mental and physical needs as they arise.” As has been the topic of today's post, it’s not an all or nothing; it is a constant practice. All we can do is our best and that may look different each day. Reaching our goals often looks more like a long journey over rolling hills than a straight up climb, and there is research to show that all or nothing thinking can actually be less effective in building healthy relationships with our so-called “vices”. That flexibility is more impactful in creating long-lasting, positive habits and the motivation to try and try again.

The Way You Talk to Yourself Matters

So, in your day-to-day life this may look like you change the word “cheat meal” to “treat meal” because we all deserve treats in our lives. It could also look like you are staring at that text from that person you know is draining and thinking to yourself, “we spent time together last week and that makes me feel better about maintaining distance this week.” The focus here is ”creating a boundary we can hold most of the time, minimizing lapses while taking them in stride, and NOT LETTING THEM DERAIL YOUR DAY AND YOUR MOOD”. That only makes it harder to get back on the horse. 

Do not let yourself continue through your day-to-day existence beating yourself down for every action you take that is contrary to your goals. Take a moment to listen to how you are speaking to yourself and ask if you can reframe “I am so weak-willed” to “I am focusing on what I need in this moment”. Remember, progress is made by small steps in the right direction accompanied by patience and respect for yourself and your experience. Importantly, we must also note that if you keep setting goals or boundaries that you are consistently not fulfilling or going against, it may be beneficial for you to reconsider how you are creating those standards in your life. If you believe you may need help doing so, Ember Wellness is here to help you figure it out!